What Draco doesn't know might kill Ginny
by ivy-damaris
Summary: Luna's happy news bring painful memories to Ginny. Did she really make peace with her past? Can she rekindle her romance with Draco without disclosing the truth, that she hid deeply inside her heart and swore never to tell? DM/GW BZ/LL Most likely a three-shot.
1. Chapter 1

_2004_

Miles Bletchly was one persistent sod. His behavior bordered on clinically insane and Ginny Weasley seriously wondered why she ever dated him. She looked over her shoulder while hiding among the clothes hanging from the Christmas stand in the middle of the Daigon Alley.

_Oh, yeah, that's why, he was also damn hot!_

Seeing him strolling down the street, she unconsciously licked her lips, before remembering she broke up with him months ago as the relationship had no depth whatsoever. However he didn't seem to get a clue as he kept on seeking her out and it was starting to seriously get on her nerves. It was not that she was actually afraid of him but his insistence was starting to make her feel uneasy.

Blending in with the crowd was damn near impossible with the fiery red mane of her hair. It was sheer luck that brought Draco Malfoy onto her way. Although not many would think that at the sight of a Malfoy heir. She thanked Merlin as she accosted his elbow with no previous warning. Before he could shake her off in surprise and hex her arm off, she kissed his cheek affectionately.

"Malfoy! There you are!" she exclaimed. "I've been looking for you all over the place!"

"You have?" He raised a pale eyebrow in obvious doubt and slight amusement, only noticeable to those that knew him well.

"Of course!" She pulled him down to her considerably smaller height to hiss into his ear. "Play along! Miles Bletchly, you remember him, has been quite persistent in trying to convince me to rekindle our romance. To put it mildly, he's been obsessively stalkerish in his ways. And really, you could hardly call what we had for those five and a half weeks, a relationship. It was more a: 'Hey, you home? Wanna come over for a quickie? ' 'Sure, after I vacuum my flat. ' And despite the fact that he looks like a model, that's probably because he actually is a model, the sex was mediocre at best."

Even if Draco was planning on honoring her blabbing with an answer, she gave him no opportunity. Not questioning his willingness or unwillingness to listen, as they strolled on, updating him on the last year of her life with no filters and ease characteristic of best friends or an old married couple, seemed like a thing to do.

"It's not like I even want to date those idiots but there goes Harry, thinking himself in love with me, can you imagine it after all those years, picturing in his delusions we're some match made in heaven, destined to marry and pop out half a dozen brats. As If! And nothing would make my poor mother happier than another grandchild. Because six little horrors and two on the way is not enough! That woman! So, what am I to do but date idiots to discourage the two of them? Tell me, what am I to do?!"

The question did not warrant an answer as Draco was correct in his assumption. By that time she totally forgot about the delusional Miles's unwanted looming presence in the background and the both of them stopped in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. Ginny smiled slightly just looking up at Draco's soft blond tresses casually falling over his forehead, the tips almost at the corners of his silver twinkling eyes and his dark green scarf wrapped around his neck, his pointy chin hidden in it.

"I'm sorry. I talk too much, you know me," she apologized sheepishly, realizing she might have disclosed too much information that he didn't actually want to hear.

"I know," he confirmed pointedly but with no malicious intent. She bit her lip as sadness suddenly overwhelmed her where she stood. Looking away to gather her wits and swallowing a lump in her throat was not easy but crying out of the blue in Daigon Alley in front of Draco Malfoy was not an option. She didn't want this meeting to turn sour and awkward, especially as it was Christmas time, so she let herself indulge in a rare moment of misery that she usually trampled over as soon as it showed its ugly head and only _then_ put a soft smile on her lips.

"And how have you been, Draco? You look good."

"I always look good," he answered mock hauntingly and still meant it. It was part of his charm. She grinned but didn't encourage the usual banter as she genuinely wanted to know what had he been up to. He gave in as she kept looking at him expectantly. They started walking again. "Nothing new really. Same old, same old. Certainly nothing as dramatic is happening in my life as in yours. You always had a certain flair for drama anyway. The company has been doing better; I might not have to sell after all. Or I might sell it anyway and start anew. Make something for myself. Yes, I thing I might just do that. I haven't discussed it with anyone yet. But I think I have been thinking about it for awhile. That's the first time I said it aloud, though."

He looked at her strangely, surprised at how a short time with her affected him and at simplicity with which his scattered thoughts formed into actual ideas.

"You should do it then. If that's what you really want."

"Maybe." He seemed to be lost in his thoughts for awhile and she let him.

"And how's your mother doing?" She asked out of politeness but at the smile it brought to his face, she was pleased with herself.

"Glowing. Absolutely glowing. She seems like a different person without father." That was a topic neither wanted to discuss. "She goes shopping, parties with friends, goes to dine out, throws enormous balls and nags with vigour, of course." He rolled his eyes and Ginny giggled at the uncharacteristic gesture. "It seems all mothers have the same illness that makes them want to marry off their offspring and have grandchildren. It's the only thing she seems to talk about to me. I already threatened to get some girl pregnant and she can have an out-of-wedlock grandchild. She was properly horrified but sadly not discouraged."

By the time he finished his rant, Ginny laughed so hard that tears were streaming down her face.

"Oh, poor Draco," she cooed and he glowered at her half-heartedly. They talked for awhile longer just catching up before Ginny realized she hadn't once caught sight of Miles. Nor did she look for him.

"So, where're you headed? Buying Christmas presents?"

"Well, I was supposed to be but I'm actually meeting Lovegood and Zabini for a coffee in five minutes."

"Oh. Well…" Once again she was overcome with sadness as the old and happier memories came back to engulf her. She saw Luna and Blaise all the time but it used to be all four of them. Now she hadn't seen Draco since the previous year Christmas party at the Ministry. And it hadn't been all four of them, just the four of them in a relaxed environment since Hogwarts, probably. She was longing, had been longing for a long time, she realized then, for their friendly teasing and easy camaraderie they used to have among them before everything went to hell and they were all forever changed. She wanted to have it all back, if just for an hour or so, so strongly that she dismissed all the suffering and the heartbreak it could cause. Draco watched her struggle with emotions closely. "Mind if I come with?"

"Of course. They're your friends too."

Upon entering the coffee shop, they witnessed a public display of affection and a frazzled waitress trying to take an order.

"Do you want to sit at this table? I'm not sure my innocent eyes should be exposed to this indiscretion?" Ginny's voice carried over two people at the table (and all the others at the shop) that untangled themselves from each other in surprise but no visible embarrassment. Blaise grinned at her mischievously.

"Don't lie Weasley, there has been nothing innocent about you, since you've been sixteen." Ginny laughed loudly, not offended at all, especially since it was true. Not that other patrons around them needed to know that. She could feel Draco's smirk behind her back and refused to turn around.

"Oh Blaisie, Blaisie. You should be thankful to me." She threw herself onto the chair nearest to Luna and winked at her friend as she started to shed her coat. Draco seated himself onto the only empty chair left at the table more gracefully. "Who do you think thought your girlfriend everything she knows?"

She put an arm around Luna and they both send him suggestive kisses among general laugher. A memory came back to Ginny. Of the four of them, her sixth year, sitting and joking just like that, at the Three Broomsticks, just that once, when they said to the universe, 'Screw you'. As if sensing her nostalgia, Luna squeezed her arm a little tighter and Ginny was grateful.

"Weasley, did you come just to wake up my appetite or something?"

"That's it, hope you don't mind." She looked at them pointedly.

"Of course not, "Luna reassured her. "We are a little surprised, though." Ginny waved her off.

"Oh, I just ran into Draco at the street, he mentioned he's meeting you and I invited myself over." The shortened version was all Ginny planned to say, knowing in advance Draco will feel it his duty to explain the story in detail.

"Ran into me?" he exclaimed indignantly. "More like accosted me. And for what! Miles Bleeding Bletchly!"

"Didn't you break up with him, Ginny?" Luna seemed genuinely concerned. She never liked a single person her friend dated. Her weirdness tended to come out of hiding in their presence. To chase them off faster, Ginny presumed. Not that she generally minded.

"I did! He keeps coming back for more. Guess I'm just that good." She smiled self-confidently as Blaise frowned at her. He liked her boyfriends even less.

"He's bothering you? What did I tell you about him? I said he's bad news. But do you ever listen to me, huh? No! You know better!" Draco watched with interest as Blaise and even Luna appeared genuinely upset and Ginny just rolled her eyes unconcerned.

"Blaise, if I listened to you, I'd never get laid. You say everybody is bad news." She turned to look at Draco. "He doesn't think anybody is good enough."

"Because you find the worst douche-bags on the planet!"

"They're not all that bad."

"Why'd you break with every single one of them, then?" Blaise liked to prove his point.

"I never said they were marrying material." She grinned at Blaise and he slumped back into his chair defeated by her stubbornness. She cackled madly, mentally awarding herself a point. Draco kept shaking his head at them.

The waitress finally came back to take their orders, encouraged by the slight lull in all the loud talking and laughing. Ginny ordered mulled wine, even years later knowing what everybody is going to order. Ogden's Finest for the boys and mulled wine for her and Luna.

That's why she was so surprised when Luna ordered Herbal tea when she was the one that showed Ginny the wonders of mulled wine.

"You feeling alright?" she asked as the waitress left to bring them drinks.

"Yeah, why?"

"You didn't order mulled wine. You love that stuff." She was staring her friend in her big blue eyes, looking for any sign of dishonesty. Ginny's mind turning a hundred per hour, the friends stared at one other. And suddenly she knew. A painful echo of a pang in her chest was immediately firmly crushed, put in a dark place, preferably never to be examined again.

"OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO BE A GODMOTHER! OH MY GOD!" Her screams were heard all over the coffee shop as the startled traumatized waitress dropped a tray full of drinks and a deaf old man at the sidewalk jumped in fright. Laughing and exclaiming excitedly the long-time friends fell into a tight hug and didn't let go for a long time. Another round of drinks was served as Ginny and Draco congratulated their friends and Ginny kept repeating she's going to be a godmother."

"Who said you'll be my kid's godmother? Maybe I want better influence for my kid?" Blaise couldn't help but tease her. Nor could he understand his girlfriend's anxious worry when it came to telling her best friend, especially since Ginny seemed excited as ever.

"Pft, someone has to teach the kid the fun stuff. Who's better suited than me? Say what you want but I'm going to be the best godmother in the world." Ginny rubbed her palms together like a maniac and the other three looked at each other apprehensively. "Oh, the things I could teach a young impressionable mind."

"Weasley, pace yourself."

"Don't worry, Draco, there will be plenty of legally questionable things left for you to teach your godson or god-daughter." He was left to stare with open mouth.

"I…" Blaise wanted to tease him really bad but changed his mind at the look on his friend's face. He slapped him on the back.

"Well, of course. Weasley's right as much as it pains me to say this. We indented to tell you today and ask you to be our child's godfather. Of course, we planned to be much more subtle." He raised his eyebrows pointedly in Ginny's direction and she smiled sheepishly, mouthing a _Sorry_. "So, what do you say?"

Ginny impatiently poked him in the ribs with her elbow and earned herself a glare.

"Well, yes. Of course. If that's what you want, I'm honoured." Ginny kept on ginning.

"You don't have to ask me. I'll do it. I'll spoil the kid rotten." Then she remembered something. "Wait just a second! You wanted to tell him today. Before you told me?!"

"Guess they like me best." Now the permanent grin resided on Draco's lips. Ginny scowled.

"We were going to tell you tonight. You planned on cooking a dinner for us, remember?"

"You were going to cook?" Draco wondered sceptically.

"Well I'm not going to cook now." She crossed her arms over her chest in an exaggerated sulk.

"Thank god." Blaise sighed in relief and even Ginny had to laugh at that.

"So, when are you planning on making an honest woman out of your Baby Mama?" Draco wondered. Blaise scowled.

"You should ask the lady in question."

"Stop sulking, Blaise. I told you I'm not going to have a rushed wedding while pregnant. This is not the middle ages. When we get married I want a big party with live music to dance to, lots of alcohol, the good stuff of course, that I can actually drink and a capable nanny to babysit while I dance, drink, eat, get married along the way and sleep off my hangover in relative peace. Capisce?"

Blaise raised his hands as if to say: 'There you go. '

Before they left the coffee shop Ginny caught a few minutes alone with Luna.

"I really am happy for you, you know. You didn't have to put off telling me." Luna didn't pretend not knowing what Ginny was talking about. That's what Ginny loved most about her.

"I'm sorry, I just felt guilty." Ginny hugged her again.

"Please don't. I want you to be able to tell me everything. To share all your worries, all your questions and all your joy with me. I want to hear everything. I want to shop with you and knit with you. Okay, maybe not knit. And I don't want you to hide a single thing from me. You've been my rock and in at least some small way, whenever you need one, I want to be yours."

"I love you, Ginny," she whispered through her tears. "I wouldn't be alive without you."

"And I wouldn't be alive without you. We're even," she smiled.

"Ginny?" she called her gently, gathering her courage. She paused again.

"Yes?" she prompted, already fearing her words.

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Ginny swallowed staring wordlessly. "I think you should."

"I don't know, Luna. Probably not."

"He should know."

"He'll just fell guilty when there was never anything he could have done. Why should I burden him with it?"

"Because you are. Burdened I mean."

"Then why should he carry this too. And I made peace with it."

"Did you?" _Did she?_

"You shouldn't think about this. Especially not now."

"He should know," she simply repeated.


	2. baby slipper

_1996_

"I need to talk to you." She looked up from her food and her friends at the Gyffindor table, her fork frozen in mid-air to find him standing next to her expectantly with a strange expression on his face.

"What?" she spluttered incomprehensibly, mostly shocked he had the guts to talk to her at her table in front of everybody. It was not like they were sneaking around but they were not exactly broadcasting their relationship either.

"Now."

At the urgency in his voice, she got up; no questions asked, and followed him out of the Great hall.

"What's wrong, Draco?" Neither of them normally likes to beat around the bush but this time he seemed to have a hard time saying what he needed to say.

"Ginny. I…" At his lack of words she got more and more worried.

"Draco? Come on. What is it?"

"I… Blaise is telling Luna as we speak." Now she knew something was terribly wrong.

"Telling her what?"

"They're taking everyone that's seventeen and over." She was more confused than ever.

"Where? What? I don't understand Draco."

"The war, Ginny. It's started. They're mobilizing everybody that's seventeen and over."

"Mobilizing? What does this mean? You have to go? They're forcing you to go?" He put his hands on her shoulders and softened his voice at the tears threatening to slide down her cheeks.

"No, Ginny. I volunteered."

"What? I don't understand. You said you didn't want to go to war? You said it!" she cried, shaking his hands off and hugging herself.

"And I don't. But I want to be a Death Eater even less. And I want to fight a war at Voldemort's side even less. And I can't just sit on my arse hoping others will fight this war for me, that others will fight for my freedom."

"I don't want you to go," she cried, childishly not wanting to admit he was right and not wanting to let him go. "I'll go too. I-"

"Seventeen and over Ginny. Seventeen and over." He hugged her than and she let him. There were no promises asked. In the morning he was gone. And so were half of the seventh years.

Ginny and Luna kept each other sane. They were closer than ever, alternating between anger and depression, courage and fear.

It was not full two months later, when Ginny discovered her pregnancy. She didn't cry. Not once. She was scared into stillness and Luna slept in her bed and held her hand as she stared into darkness wide awake for the next three nights.

Ginny was scared shitless, alone to deal with this _thing_. The timing was all wrong. She was separated from her family and Draco. She was angry at herself to be so careless, angry at Draco to leave her alone and angry at this defenceless unwanted creature to dare tilt her world when it was all twisted already. She needed to get rid of it. Before it started impacting on her life, hindering her, slowing her down, making her an emotional mess. It could be used as leverage against her, against Draco. But…

But it was Draco's baby. His seed. His heir. A part of him. All she had left of him. It might be the last thing of his. She had no way of knowing, if he was still alive.

She needed her strength; they were in the middle of the war after all. Any day now, it could knock on the Hogwarts' door. Only when it came, not a fortnight after Ginny found out she was pregnant, it came with no knocking.

_1997_

The Death Eathers barged in and took over the place. Any resistance was quickly restrained. The conditions were unbearable. They tortured them for information or just for fun, beat them, stripped them naked, put them in chains, denied them bare necessities, water and food. Those known to have ties with the leaders of the Resistance, had it worst. To Ginny and Luna nothing was spared.

After five days of solitude and nothing but torture, they were finally thrown into the same dungeon somewhere under the castle. And through all that, all that physical, emotional and mental stress, the baby lived on.

They were both scraped, bruised and bloody all over and Luna's arm was broken, but both breathing, strong of mind and angrier than ever.

"Do they know?" Luna looked pointedly towards Ginny's stomach. She shook her head.

"No yet. But I'm scared. If they were to find out…" And for the first time she wasn't just scared of the advantage that would give them but also for her child's life.

"They mustn't find out Ginny." She paused. "You didn't get any hits to the stomach did you?"

"Not directly, no. But maybe… It would be for the best you know?" She looked at her friend a little broken.

"Ginny, you don't mean that." Luna didn't judge. She never did.

"Maybe. But maybe I do. It would be easier for me to fight. I would only worry for my safety. And what world is this child going to be born into? Death, hunger, torture, war. It'll probably never know its father. He's probably dead." And she said it, what she feared the most.

"Stop saying that!" Luna yelled almost hysterically, startling Ginny. "Stop it, stop it. Nobody is dead. They're not dead so just stop saying that." Luna sobbed but Ginny stayed where she was, having nothing to say to comfort her friend. Suddenly she stopped crying and gathered her wits. "We need to escape. It's our only chance." It was a spark of hope in an otherwise dreary existence.

To this day none of them is certain how they made it. But they did it. They escaped. It took lots of courage, resourcefulness, brains and mainly madness and desperation that kept them going. They dragged themselves, one with a broken arm and another one pregnant, through mud and shit, rats and spiders, no wands, no food or water or spare cloths. It was January, the snow covered the ground and it was freezing. They only had one poor dysfunctional wand that belonged to neither of them. And still the baby lived on.

They knew to avoid all the familiar places and people, which meant no family or friends, no acquaintances, no Ministry and the Aurors or Order of the Phoenix, no Burrow or childhood places, no Daigon Alley or London in general and no comfortable beds or warm soup.

The only thing that assured them even a thread of possibility of survival and an advantage over their followers (and that only because they would never think they were crazy enough to do it) was trudging toward the Scottish Highlands and in January those itself meant a near certain death in the best of circumstances. Weakened in physical strength, with a broken wand and bad heating charms, they soon could hardly distinguish between reality and hallucinations. The north wind was brutal, bringing more and more snow, freezing them to the bones despite the heating charm. Luna could not feel her broken arm anymore and she was relived because of it. She was so tired and her feet were numb. She just wanted to rest a bit. But Ginny was yelling in her face and pulling her on even as she herself could not carry her own body weight.

There in a distance through the howling wind and blitzing snow a light twinkled. Or maybe it was another hallucination like the time she thought she saw Draco sitting at the top of the rock, baiting her to go on. It didn't matter, in any case it propelled her to push on, to drag Luna on and to wave and yell in the direction of the light like her life depended on it. And it did.

And still the baby lived on.

The old lady, a muggle, that lived alone in a cabin somewhere in the Highlands, saved them, put them into her own bed, gave them dry clothes and food and generally nursed them to health. For days they didn't leave the bed and they mostly kept quiet and held their hands tightly. On the fourth day the woman told them that three of Luna's toes on her right foot were frost-bitten and there was nothing to be done. They had to go. Luna didn't make a big deal out of it. She could live a minus three toes. The woman told them she's seen that kind of injuries in war when she was young. Ginny wondered which war was it since to her the old lady seemed incredibly old, older than Dumbledore and she wondered how it was that she was even still alive. As if by thought itself, the woman died two hours later.

They cried buckets, mostly because they had no idea how to feed themselves without her and the selfish thoughts and a lack of empathy for their saviour were making them feel guilty, ungrateful and soulless. But there was nothing to be done. The woman was dead and they had a roof over their head and lots of firewood in the woods.

Ginny used what strength she had and what tools she could find to dig a shallow grave in the frozen ground, as Luna's arm was still broken. She then covered the woman with earth and snow and neither said a thing at her grave. The sky above them was Dementor's dark, the way it has been for weeks then. There was nothing pretty to look at in the world. And still the baby lived on.

Once back in the cabin, Luna sat on their bed while Ginny rummaged through the storage.

"Ginny?"

"There's some canned food but it will not be enough for the whole winter."

"Ginny."

"We'll have to haunt. I have no idea how to do that without a wand."

"Ginny, please." Finally Ginny sat down at the table and put a bottle of vodka on it. "You have to cut off my toes."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

She took a bottle to Luna and ordered her to drink.

"We don't have any anaesthetic."

By the time Ginny got things ready to do what needed to be done Luna had drank a third of the bottle but didn't look drunk at all. She herself took a few hearty swings despite her pregnancy before... Just before.

It was forever before Luna finally passed out from pain and her screams stopped but Ginny never paused, never broke focus and never hesitated. But even years later, her nightmares consist of anguished screams and blood pouring through her sticky fingers and down her forearms, pooling at the floor in two puddles at each side.

And still the baby lived on.

After that their life settled in a kind of abstract normalcy. Luna was recovering from her injuries so Ginny mostly took care of food and gathering firewood. She milked the goat, the only other living thing in the cabin, redressed Luna's wounds, chopped the logs with an old axe and tried to make some semblance of cloths out of old rags for the fast coming baby. Luna used her time to knit two tiny white baby slippers from a ball of wool they found in the cabin.

On the surface they seemed peaceful in their routines but their hearts were restless and their souls heavy with worry and fear. But there was nowhere to go. The mountains were still covered in snow, the Death Eaters might still have been looking for them although they had no way of knowing what went on in civilization (other than the sky that continued to be dark and gloomy), Luna could hardly walk and when she was well enough, Ginny was already too heavy and big to move further than from bed to the table and back. Luna took over most of the housework.

Ginny was in her twenty-seventh week when the baby came. It was way too early. It hurt like somebody was cutting her with a knife through her back and stomach. It lasted nineteen hours, Luna didn't move from her bedside and neither of the two of them had any idea what they were doing. Early in the morning the pain finally stopped and the baby lived no more.

It was stillborn. They weren't surprised. It was a girl with a tuft of silvery blonde hair. That's what Luna said as she wrapped a baby in a yellow rag that served as a blanket. Ginny refused to look at her. She refused to hold her. She refused to name her. She refused to cry a single tear.

She hated that baby all through the pregnancy. She wanted it gone, angry for it was making her weak. She hoped it will die. But, oh, how she loved that baby too. How she loved a part of her. A part of Draco. A part of them dead forever.

She dug another grave, right beside the old lady that saved their lives. She dug it, Luna put the baby in the grave, Ginny threw one baby slipper in the hole and they poured the earth over the small body of her baby. Luna found a flat rock and wanted to write a name on it.

"It doesn't have a name. It's a baby. A dead baby." So Luna wrote 'Baby' on the rock.

But she knew that if she ever had another baby, it won't be named Ivy because she already had a baby named Ivy. It was chosen weeks earlier at the dead of night when she started whispering tiny comforts to her baby when she thought Luna wasn't listening.

The depression hit Ginny hard. She went through motions but she was numb inside. She didn't eat, hardly slept, seldom talked, mostly stared at either the wall or the ceiling and always clutched one tiny knitted white slipper in her hand. Luna was worried, afraid to leave her alone, afraid to leave a knife in her vicinity. It was even worse because that was her lively, vivacious, full of life, despising any weakness, her rock to lean on, friend. Seeing her like that felt like the end of the world as she knew it.

Waking up in the middle of the night alone in bed put her in a state of panic, thinking she will open the front door and Ginny will be laying on the floor in a puddle of her own blood and Luna will be left alone to dig another grave beside the old lady and the baby. It was selfish but she couldn't survive without Ginny.

Seeing her body on the floor in a strange sideways position made hear heart constrict and her stomach turn. For a moment she thought she really was dead but she soon realized her friend is laying right beside the flat rock with 'Baby' written on it and whispering softly.

"What are you doing? Get up!" she screeched in irrational anger through the biting wind. Ginny didn't flinch so Luna marched over to her in long angry strides and shook her so hard her teeth rattled. "Do you want to die? Do you?" she screamed into her face. The empty look in her friend's eyes scared her.

"Maybe I should," she whispered.

And for the first time she saw Ginny Weasley just for what she was; a broken little girl, who tried so hard to be strong for everyone, that no one noticed how much pain she was in. It broke Luna's heart and she felt ashamed of herself for still needing her strong.

"No, you shouldn't," she told her in a dark voice, that Ginny never heard before. "I still need you," she then admitted, because it was the only thing that will make Ginny keep on moving, keep on being strong, keep on wanting to live. And it wasn't a lie either. A change came over Ginny immediately. She nodded and Luna nodded back. But for the night Luna was the anchor, she was the strong one.

"Oh, Ginny." She laid down on the hard cold floor behind Ginny's back and just held her firmly. "Cry, Ginny, cry. It was your baby. Your daughter. Cry already."

"What am I going to cry for? It's a dead baby. It was dead from the beginning. I wanted it dead. And now it is. I got my wish. I don't deserve to cry." She sounded hoarse, beaten and broken. Luna could have said many things; that it was normal to have doubts, to feel conflicted, to feel guilty and to think about options. But it was not what Ginny needed.

"It didn't die because of you. You didn't wish it dead. You didn't wish it dead." And that's what she kept repeating all night long as she held her sobbing friend in her arms.

After that Ginny started getting better. She got stronger almost immediately. She was young and healthy so some food and sleep made wonders to her complexion. The baby slipper was nowhere to be seen but it took months before she even remotely resembled the old Ginny again. And that was just a surface.

Luna was restless to leave that godforsaken place and find her father and Blaise. To find out if they were still alive even. But she didn't force. Ginny needed her time. And they needed to leave on her terms. Luna knew when the day was coming closer. Ginny couldn't stand any kind of weakness much less one within herself. It pushed her to move on even when all hope seemed lost.

It was a late August day by their estimations when Luna came from picking up berries to find Ginny sitting on a stair in front of the cabin under the still dark sky.

"We need to go now," she stated simply. It was the day they have both been waiting for.

"Are you sure? We don't know what is happening. We don't know how things stand. For all we know they could all be dead. Or imprisoned somewhere. Maybe the Death Eaters took over, assembled the new order. What if-" As much as she had wanted to leave, now that the day has come, she was suddenly more scared than ever. She had enough of this constant struggle for bare survival. They were relatively comfortable and safe in the Highlands.

"Maybe. But we have to go. Have to try. I know you wanted to leave for awhile now."

"I changed my mind." Ginny smiled at her.

"No, you didn't. And I've been sulking around long enough. We're leaving tomorrow. Get some sleep." And that was the Ginny she knew. It gave her immediate comfort.

Their descend from the mountains was a picnic compared to their ascend in the midst of a winter in a raging blizzard. But that was all the easy they got. They had merely a rough idea of where they actually were and even less of a plan of where they should go. The food soon ran out and any means of transportation were either payable or required either a broom or a wand. Neither of which they had. So they resorted to stealing. It was too risky to ask for food or money even at one of the isolated houses at the country.

They dared not to fly even if they by luck did find a wizarding family. It involved too much risk of attracting attention. So they stole two very old and rusty bicycles that with little luck nobody will miss for another few weeks.

Not walking was a relief but the travelling was still hard. They had to avoid people, steal food and sleep in the woods. There was chill in the air because of the Dementors that put constant fear in their hearts. They cycled till their buts were ready to fall off and pushed on the next day and the next day. Coming by a small unpopulated train station they put the bikes on the freight train and crossed over to England's countryside, coming way closer to the Burrow. It was a long travel to Devon and they were happy to catch a break. It was dangerous coming there but they had to start somewhere and until they knew how things stood, going to London was out of the question.

Cycling through Ottery st. Catchpole in the middle of the night nearly brought tears to Ginny's eyes. Soon seeing her childhood house still standing in one peace made her want to run straight in and call for her mum and dad and her brothers. How she missed them! But frivolity was not something she could afford. Not anymore.

It was abandoned and ransacked, signs of a fight everywhere, her mom's special clock broken on the floor. But there was no blood anywhere, no bodies lying on the floor and the house was still standing. It was a small thread of hope. But they were back to where they started. Not knowing where to go or what happened to everyone. They found some food and wolfed it down but didn't dare to fall asleep. They needed to move on. Ginny said goodbye to her childhood home, maybe forever, with a heavy heart but a stoic face.

Luna's home was in pretty much the same condition. Her dad was nowhere to be found and his precious articles were scattered all over the house.

Luna sat on the only still standing chair in the living room.

"I'm going to stay here."

"What are you talking about? We need to go. It's not safe."

"No. I'll sit here and wait for daddy to come home." Ginny set out to convince her gently, not to get her more hysteric but really looking at her grey run down face, she just wanted to sit down beside her and wait for somebody to just put them out of their misery. No, gentleness was not going to cut it. She slapped her friend's face.

Luna looked at her in shock.

"Stop this right now. We've been fighting to survive for the better part of the year. You didn't let me quit when I wanted to! We're not quitting now." She shook her by the shoulders roughly. "You hear me? You are not a quitter! And I'm not a quitter! Get on your feet! Now!"

And Luna did as she was told.

"We need some more food."

"Where will we go, Ginny? Hogwarts is out of the question. There's nowhere to go. No safe place left."

But there was one place left. Number 12, Grimmauld Place, London. The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. But it was in Death Eater infested London, as the various newspapers and pamphlets they found at both of their homes said, so getting there was a grave danger. They also found pamphlets obviously printed by the Resistance about refugee camps and war sites. It gave them hope, that somebody was still alive out there. They had no way of getting there, though, or even knowing where the camps were. London was their only chance.

It once again meant hiding, starving and crawling through tunnels polluted with rats. It meant doing what they promised never to do again. It was hope crashing and demeaning. Their morale was low and there came a time when Ginny wanted to lay down and just stop fighting. But this time it was Luna pulling them on.

"Come on, Weasley. You dragged me down here, you can't stop now. Keep moving!" And so she did. They were each other's whole world and for your whole world, you kept on going.

Ginny trembled when they entered Sirius' old home. If they came upon an unfriendly presence, they were dead for sure. No wands to defend themselves and no willpower to even attempt to. Sensing a presence on the staircase made them alert and when their former Potions professor appeared out of the dark, Luna wanted to throw herself around his neck in relief. Ginny was reluctant to trust so easily but she was way too exhausted and emotionally drained to keep her guard up. If he wanted them dead, they were dead anyway.

"Professor Snape," Luna whispered, amazed to see him.

"You two have been considered dead," he told them in his usual stoic voice while staring at them like he never saw them before in his life.

Luna knew why he was staring at them like he saw the living dead. Not only because they were dirty, smelly, withered, run down and long considered dead but because when he last saw them they were naïve little girls, that he sometimes couldn't help but see fooling around with their boyfriends all laughs and teen angst and not even a full year later in front of him stood two seventeen year old woman that looked a hundred years old.

Snape caught them up to speed, told them how the Voldemort's followers took over the Ministry and Hogwarts and about refugee camp where the Resistance resided. The sky was permanently dark from the Dementors as they have noticed themselves, nobody dared to walk the streets, everybody was in hiding and the final battle was fast approaching.

"My family?" Ginny finally inquired with trepidation filling her heart.

"At the refugee site. As is your father miss Lovegood." Luna sighed in relief.

"All of them?" Ginny asked almost not daring to believe it after everything she had been through in the last year. Luck was never on her side.

"All of them," he confirmed. "Potter and Granger also. Most of the Order and Aurors, those that are not at missions, wizards and witches that came to fight and those that have nowhere else to go."

"And… and…" Luna faltered twice, unable to say the words, so Ginny took over.

"Zabini?" she asked, staring at the wall unblinkingly. Snape stared at the broken girls, no not girls, _women_, and felt a twinge of sympathy in his frozen heart. It was obvious they went through hell.

"He's there, too." Luna's lips trembled and her calm demeanour cracked.

"He's alive?"

"He's alive." He waited for Weasley to voice a similar question over Lovegood's dry sobbing, about a certain blonde boy but she continued to stare at the wall, obviously not believing life could spare her one more time, when she already had her whole family alive. "He and Malfoy are both there. Alive."

At this Ginny's head snapped up to look at him, to make sure he didn't lie to her. She couldn't stand it. Not about this. She grabbed the lapels of his robes in her fists, a white slipper making reappearance in one of them for the first time in months, and shook him as she never would dare in her right mind.

"Don't you lie to me! Don't you lie! Don't you dare! Don't, please!" Her cry was anguished and Luna watched on in horror as Ginny's legs finally gave out under the weight of her exhaustion combined with a bout of relief and she collapsed in front of an appalled Snape. Those were the first news she heard about him since he left for war.

"He's alive. I don't lie."

Her mask slipped and tears ran down her dirty cheeks. Luna helped her former professor drag Ginny over to the sofa where the two friends cuddled and held hands like they used to back in the cabin in the Scottish Highlands.

It was a few days before Snape could even remotely safely transport them to the war site. Because for the two of them it was not a refugee camp; they would always fight. As much as they were restless and impatient to see their families, they were also grateful for a chance to put themselves together, wash the grim away, eat, sleep off the exhaustion, put a Glamour charm on their wasted faces and assemble their emotions. When they finally left, they could almost pass as presentable. Their families never saw the true extent of what life did to them in that single year. And to this day Severus Snape is the only person aware of the true condition they were in when they first arrived from their presumed death. In his mind, when he remembered that day and he did so repeatedly, he always referred to them as the Living dead.

The reunion with their friends and family was everything and more than they could have hoped for. They were passed from one arms to another, engulfed in endless hugs that started and ended with happy tears but to Ginny it was all a dizzying blur of familiar faces she missed and loved so much but wanted to escape from as soon as possible for she could hardly breath. For a year she talked with only one person and the ruckus and a mass of bodies obscuring her vision of Luna overwhelmed her.

Her saviour came in the person of Blaise Zabini as everybody stopped yelling and asking questions she either didn't know the answer to or more probably didn't want to give one, and watched as Luna after one heartbreakingly long minute of staring at the boyfriend she didn't know was dead or alive for the last year, practically soared over the muddy yard and threw herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Ginny trembled with joy and envy. She felt utterly alone and immensely guilty for thinking that.

"I'm missing three toes," were the first words Luna whispered into Blaise's ear. "Do you think you could love a woman with only two toes on her right foot?" He laughed loudly in relief.

"I could love a woman with six feet if that woman were you."

Ginny knew it will be awhile before she could sneak away to enjoy some solitude she detested so much until she was actually surrounded by people. It wasn't that she was miserable or not happy to see her family but they all wanted and needed her to be their old, loving little girl Ginny Weasley, the girl she was before all this. But too much has happened and she didn't feel like the old Ginny. She felt like Ginny that lived through hell, seen too much and came out on the other side to tell a tale. Only, she didn't want to tell anyone anything. She answered the curious questions vaguely and shed their story to bare facts. She could tell it in four sentences. There were no mentions of rats, shit, starvation, blizzards, exhaustion, torture, toes, _toes, _no references of unnamed babies or shallow graves.

Catching a movement in her peripheral vision made Ginny finally tear her eyes off the reuniting couple. There he was, in all his glory, leaning casually against a tree, a lit cigarette between his fingers, his eyes burning as they stared directly at her. All she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms, much in the same manner Luna had done, and never let go. But that was not them. That was never them. They always preferred their privacy as opposed to public displays of affection. Partly because of their families and friends but mostly because that's just the kind of people they were. As much as the occasion called for a break in their routine, they never publicized their relationship before he went to fight in the war and she into involuntary hiding and Ginny was not really in the mood to deal with the commotion that kind of reaction would surely provoke. Still she stared at him, swallowing down tears as the memories of better carefree times mixed with those painful of their baby assaulted her with vigour. The baby he's never to find out about. She decided then how it must be and planed on informing Luna later. She clutched the once white slipper that never left her pocket, to draw support from it.

Thinking these dark thoughts when she should have been rejoicing was when she was engulfed in a bear hug in the arms of one Blaise Zabini. A dry sob escaped her as his warm strong arms held her tightly. She had been worried about him. About him and Draco. Probably more worried than about her own family. Because her family and friends were a close knit group, they loved and supported each other. They fit in. Draco and Blaise were outsiders, having only one another to relay on. Almost like Ginny and Luna out there. And if they had to live even through a quarter of what they went through, Merlin forgive her, Ginny didn't think them capable of that kind of will to survive.

"I knew I could count on you, Ginny Weasley. You brought her back," he whispered into her ear with emotion she didn't think him capable. "Thank you."

"We brought each other back." And it was the truth; on their own none of them would make it back alive.

Long after Luna sneaked off with Blaise towards his tent, Ginny finally managed to plead exhaustion and was left alone to edge towards the darkness of the woods where she finally let loose, stopped controlling her laboured breathing and emptied the contents of her stomach, kneeling on the cold forest ground. She recognized strong hands lifting her in a standing position immediately. A flask was shoved into her hands.

"Looks like you might need it." She took a hearty sip while he still held her underneath her armpits to stabilize her.

"I'm fine, Draco. I'm fine," she reassured him, stumbling away from him. "Just a moment of weakness."

"You're allowed to have them, you know." She smiled at him bitterly.

"Am I really? Nobody else seems to think that. They just want their strong, joyful Ginny back. I have to dig really deep to find some semblance of her. It's exhausting." He was the only person she'd dare to say that to, the only one that could possibly understand her.

"You've changed. We all have."

"Yes." He just didn't know how much.

"I thought you were dead," he stated simply. She looked at him sharply.

"Ditto."

"What, you thought I was dead or that you were dead?" She laughed harshly. She forgot how easily he could read her.

"Both."

"What happened out there?" Ginny closed her eyes, shaking her head.

"Not… Not now. I can't. Not yet. Not yet. Maybe not ever." She couldn't say this to her family. They wouldn't understand that she couldn't talk about it. They would pressure her, tried to get her to talk and worry to death. His eyes searched her face but he didn't force her to say more.

"Okay. When you'll want to say it, I'll be here to listen." She nodded gratefully.

"And how have you been, Draco?" He shrugged non-committally.

"Fine, I guess. Making do with no showers or baths or house elves, eating your mother's cooking which I have to admit is a bright point among all that mess, discussing strategy with your annoying brother and Potter, training the new recruits, being a test bunny for your twin-brothers, going on missions, annoying Granger and sleeping in a tent, freezing my arse off. That's about it." Ginny knew that was not it at all. He never did mention how many of the people he knew his whole life did he meet on the other side of the lines and how many of them he actually had to kill in the combat but still she smiled at the poor pampered Draco Malfoy living in a tent.

"I'm glad you finally fit in somewhere." Surprise coloured his features.

"I do?" Ginny shrugged.

"That's what it sounds like to me. Fred and George always test their products on the people they are fond of." He snorted at that.

"And you don't think I fit in with the Slytherin?"

"You were either their leader or the pariah. You never just fit in." Ginny watched him as he dissected her words in his head.

"Maybe you're right. I fit in. And you? Do you fit in?"

"I used to. But now, now I don't feel I belong anywhere."

"Not even with me?" he asked his voice vulnerable. She bit her lip and looked away guiltily. How could she belong with him when there was so much baggage between them, so much untold pain? And a dead baby, that she wished dead and told him nothing about. She could feel a small slipper burn through the thin cotton of her pocket into her skin.

"I don't know, Draco. I don't know. There's just so much… So much that happened and I don't know… I have nothing left to give." Her voice broke a little but despite of what she said he suddenly embraced her and she collapsed against him.

"Just tonight, Ginny. Belong with me just for tonight. Please." And she gave in, not needing much convincing. "I missed you so much."

Not knowing how it happened so fast, her back was suddenly braced against a tree, his kisses were hot on her lips, her hands found their way to the naked skin of his chest and he was pulling her panties aside as he entered her with thirst of a dying man. She relished in the pain of his deep thrusts. She arched her back and held onto his shoulders, leaving red marks on his pale back for sure. Pain meant she was still alive.

With release came harsh sobs that sneaked upon her from the hollow of her chest. They slipped down the trunk of the tree on the cold ground where she cried wrapped around his form for hours. She hadn't cried this hard since that night Luna found her resting on the floor besides her baby's grave.

It was a week later when Ginny was contemplating finally braving the night by herself. The nightmares came frequently and with a force. Besides she was used to having a warm body pressing against her at night. And Luna had her own warm body to comfort her at night. Ginny didn't want to sleep alone so she told herself, what she said the night before and the night before that: 'Tomorrow I'll sleep in my own tent by myself '. It rang like a lie.

Her musings were interrupted by Blaise 's sudden arrival. He was out of breath, his eyes frantic.

"Weasley. Ron, I need your sister." At the strange sound of his voice Ron moved out of his way immediately, no questions asked. Ginny snapped out of her melancholic contemplation.

"Ginny, come with me. Luna needs you. She wants you. I don't know what to do." Ginny didn't take the time to grab her jacket as she followed him to his tent in near sprint.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. She's crying, saying her toes hurt. But I don't know…"

At the sight of her friend, Luna, who was buried between the blankets, cried even harder.

"Ginny, Ginny," she wailed. "My toes! My toes hurt. Please, make it better! Ginny, please." Her right leg convulsed in obvious agony. Ginny felt powerless but Blaise was looking at her like a lost puppy and Luna begged her to stop her pain. Like always, the impossible was expected of her and she rarely left anyone down. In a fit of anger she grabbed Luna's ankle in a tight grip and tore her sock off her foot to uncover the three missing toes.

"You see that? Do you? You have no toes!" she yelled and Luna stopped crying while Blaise watched on in fascinated and horrified silence. "They don't hurt because you have no toes! I cut them off, remember? I took a rusty pair off clamps and cut them off. We both drank a bottle of vodka and you screamed your head off while I cut them off. So, they can't hurt. They don't hurt. Remember? I cut them off. Remember?"

Luna nodded and her toes stopped hurting because they couldn't. Ginny cut them off months ago. Ginny stayed with her until she fell asleep and then trudged out off the tent with the weight of the world upon her shoulders, feeling old and tired way beyond her years. Outside she found Blaise, sitting and quietly sharing a cigarette with Draco.

"She's asleep." Blaise couldn't look her in the eye.

"I didn't know what to do. She wanted you." Ginny sighed at his distress and once again squared her shoulders and stayed strong for others. She wasn't allowed to have weaknesses. She said that to Draco and the arch of her spine told him she will not be weak anymore. Not even in front of him.

"Listen, Zabini. She's your girl. But for a long time she was my girl. And I was hers. I was the only person she had. We could only count on one another. And it might take awhile before she learns to trust other people again.

You did the right thing, coming to get me. I will come every time, you must know that."

"Thank you."

Ginny turned to leave, go to her tent, wait for Draco to come hold her and cry until the end of the world but she realized she couldn't do that anymore. People needed her to be strong so they could rely on her and she couldn't do that hiding in her bed. She needed to stand on her own two feet the way she always had and be a pillar on which her family and friends could lean on. And she would do it even if what was left alive inside her kept slowly dying. She cut off her friend's toes; she could do anything.

"Blaise? This ever happens again and I'm not there, you just tell her: 'Your toes don't hurt because Ginny cut them off.' You just tell her that."

Her eyes burned with determination and a twinge of madness as she said that and the boys stared at her in terror. She slept alone that night. And all the nights after that.

The final battle came and went. It was horrific and sad of course. People bled, lost their body parts and were killed. And people fought, fired of hexes and became killers. The Resistance won, Harry Potter killed Voldemort and the Death Eaters were captured or killed. It was terrible.

But for Ginny and Luna it was little compared to what they went through. Their war was fought in another place and their nightmares were never that of the final battle.

And for years to come Ginny rarely met Draco despite the fact they had mutual friends they both saw regularly. It was just too painful to be in his vicinity when she knew nothing could happen between them until she told him the truth and she planned never to do that. It was her burden to carry. She still clutched the tiny formerly white baby slipper in her fist every once in awhile.


End file.
